“Sadness lies with us, not with Dolly,” says Dolly Parton’s nephew Bryan Seaver in an Instagram video announcing the death of the country music star.

It is an obvious point to make about someone who has died, but it is also an idea that is not often considered directly.

When someone dies, we tend to focus on our own sadness. That reaction is natural and inevitable, but it does not reflect the simple reality that the person who has passed away is no longer sad.

Even though it is a straightforward concept, there was something deeply comforting about Seaver’s reminder that grief belongs to those left behind.

As empaths, we often project our own sadness onto the person who has died. We wish for more life for them, or wish that the death had not happened.

We feel sad on their behalf, fixating on their final days, weeks or months, sometimes obsessively. That response is understandable, because that period can be traumatic. But, as Seaver notes, it is important to recognise that the person dying will not experience grief in the same way we do.

Dolly Parton: dead at 80

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Of course, it is valid to feel sad, and we should allow ourselves to feel that grief, because the only way through is through it. The best way to move beyond sadness is to acknowledge it.

But, as Seaver reminds us, it is a mistake to conflate our grief with the grief of the person who has died. “Dolly called me and said she wants to rest in a beautiful bed of plush cotton because after a life wearing heavy rhinestones she finally deserves to be comfortable and have some rest,” he said in the upbeat message.

The tone of the video is celebratory rather than mournful. It focuses on what Parton has given, on the legacy she leaves behind, and on the work that remains even if Parton is no longer here.

“My family and I have shared a lifetime of beautiful memories with Dolly. And so have you: she has always been on your television, your record player, and your phone playlist, becoming an extended part of your family.”

That wider cultural presence is part of why the message lands so strongly. For many fans, Parton was not only a performer but also a familiar figure whose work has been woven through daily life for decades, which makes the invitation to remember her life rather than only her loss feel especially resonant.

As someone who recently lost my parents, I have thought before about the fact that they are no longer struggling. But I had not thought about the idea that they are not sad in the same way that I am.

That, simple as it may be, feels comforting in a new way. The act of reminding myself that, while painful, the sadness I am feeling is not mirrored in their lived experience helps. They lived a good life, like Dolly, and are not experiencing grief.

It is similar to something Dick Van Dyke, who recently turned 100, said. When asked how he felt about ageing and the inevitable, he acknowledged that he would not know about being dead when it happens, because he will already be dead.

It is also deeply comforting for Parton’s fans that she took her death into her own hands, planning the video she wanted to publish and personally choosing the person she wanted to appear in it and make the announcement. It seems a healthy way of contemplating her own passing.

Recording videos to celebrate a life lived, to be published after a person dies, is becoming more common. The essayist Diana Athill is one of the centenarians to have published her “final say” posthumously. She recorded the video before her death, for release only once she had died.

The Netflix series Famous Last Words follows a similar format and features pre-recorded interviews with Jane Goodall and Eric Dane.

Thank you, Dolly, for your life’s work — and for your progressive way of leaving this world. RIP.

Read more: Dolly Parton’s Christmas Carol, Southbank Centre review: Catchy new tunes in touching show